i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
