Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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