i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
