Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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