you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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