Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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