You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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