It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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