dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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