someone get that fucking seahorse.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
