I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
