I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
