I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
