He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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