also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
