it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
