i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
