none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
