life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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