and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
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I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize