Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's blow job season.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
