she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
