watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
