just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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