All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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