i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
