You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
