I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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