Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
