He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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