Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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