I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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