okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
