There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
