Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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