K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
