he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
