hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
