I cannot find my penis.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
