i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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