Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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