just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
