i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
