Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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