You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
