clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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