captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
