mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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