I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
