If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He? As in you personified your dick?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
