Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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