you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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