if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
