you lied. pity sex is amazing.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
