Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
