My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
