"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
PANTIES FOUND
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