In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
