He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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