Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
